Awakening the Dreamer

86345d893e8c92606e46b12773d84e152017 was an interesting year. I received pay checks from three different companies, my hubby finished his Masters degree, he changed jobs, I changed jobs, then changed again….it’s been interesting. Defining and fulfilling, but interesting.

The thing is, in 2017, I changed. Truly, deeply changed. I was re-introduced to the real me, the “old me”.  After a big hit to my pride and paycheck, I was laid off in the holiday season of 2016 from a company and job that nearly sucked the life out of me. I let the stress, hours and challenge eat me alive. I changed. I was a shell of myself and no fun to be around. Frankly, I let the job redefine me and am just grateful for the people I still am friends with from that role. I was not a great person to be around, I know it.

So, getting “laid off” was a gift. Sounds cheesy and forced, but sincerely, the months of severance was just what I needed. I was paid to grieve, be angry, read, sulk, pray, study, contemplate and heal. I took classes, learned new skills, slept…a lot. The amount of sleep over those months was surprising. I organized, puttered and learned to feel again. I enjoyed coffee, the garden, the weather, my life again. I began to feel again and just in time for the final payment of severance, I had a new job offer. Perfect.

Now I know if you have never been through this, you may be thinking, “this is all very melodramatic.”  Perhaps. But I can tell you, as cheeky as it sounds, this valley has led me to the best high I have seen in a long, long time.

I have vision. I have reignited dreams. I have begun to be vulnerable again. I miss people, friends, my family. I want time with people over everything else. I miss the church. I want to belong. I have balance. I love, feel, yearn. I want to pursue the dream that has been in my heart for years and I feel strong and brave enough to do so for the first time in years.

The dreamer is awakened!  I have a feeling 2018 is going to be amazing.



Ok, so maybe you ARE the boss of me.

216773_1031748287320_3793_nThis little girl came into our life by “accident” ten years ago. Sweet little Sadie. We were NOT going to get a dog. We were “just going to look” at the litter of 11 golden retriever puppies. Just looking. Yes, we took both kids with us, but we were NOT leaving with a dog.

Despite a 40 minute drive of reinforcements, “we are NOT getting a dog, we are just looking.” Forget the insistence that we aren’t ready, don’t have, can’t, shouldn’t. I’m telling you, even a heart like a ten pound hammer would find a litter of brown-eyed-puppy-breathed-yipping-jumping golden retriever puppies to be kryptonite. My steely position lasted strong….for about 2.7 seconds. The kids took about 4 seconds to find THE one. We left with a puppy and my husband was grinning ear to ear. He knew it all along.

We worked hard to train her, make sure she knew she wasn’t the boss and she caught on. A golden always wants to please so they are very trainable and will do just about anything that makes their owner happy. They are genetically designed as professional beggars as well and will eat nearly anything and at any time. Rocks, dirt clods, grass…you name it, they eat it.

A couple of months ago she was diagnosed with lymphoma in both kidneys and given about 6 to 8 weeks to live. We were offered the option to do chemotherapy, a treatment that lasts about 5 months, costs nearly $10,000 and results in an average of 4 to 5 months longer to live. Does that weird math escape any of you? We thought about it and decided to let her live out her days happy and stress free (well as stress free as possible since we brought ANOTHER NEW PUPPY home in this time frame). Since lymphoma is not thought to be particularly painful, she seems to do ok. Feels better some days than others, but still a sweet, sweet girl.

Despite the terrible timing of a puppy added to the mix (don’t judge – have you seen a WESTIE litter…kryptonite 2), Sadie is doing ok, but she has caught on to the situation. She knows. She gets scraps more often, more treats, extra loving. If told no she gives us that, “you can’t say no to a dog with cancer” look. She’s been golden mind melding us since that spring day ten years ago, but is pouring it on with the “I have cancer” look. No, I’m not making it up. But I have firmly come to the conclusion that our pets let us live here because we feed them.

We are so not the boss of us.



Standing Out.

I don’t look that different, I have worked at the same places with hundreds and thousands of other people in a field that has probably millions of employees world-wide. I’ve tidied my resume just so as the recruiter suggested, I’ve studied the job descriptions and the company. I know how to answer your questions. So how do you choose? What makes me so special?

I’m bad ass. I’m me and there’s only one of those! Standing out means being yourself.


“Unrush” Me.

Since I was 16 years old, this is the first time I have not worked over the holiday months. In a break between jobs, I decided I was going to use this space to take a good look at my career, what I want to do, where I want to be and how am I going to be a 106better leader. Here are a few of my thoughts.

  1. Be the boss.  I have been working long hours for years. In this time of reflection I realize that my success, stamina, resiliency and attitude are directly correlated to the investment in my own health. My best work has come when I was sleeping enough, working out regularly and eating well. When I let those things slide, it impacts much more than my waist line!
  2. Be present. Our lives get filled up with meetings, projects and to-dos. In the press of it all, we lose connection to this moment. A bleary eyed, worn and stressed professional cannot recognize or enjoy the truly memorable micro-moments of our own lives, let alone that of our teams or customers. Being present takes discipline and practice, but it can help reduce stress, help us connect more meaningfully to one another and can inspire new ways of seeing our business, work and life.
  3. “Unrush” me. We are always pushing for more, newer, faster, better. But, we can’t force innovation and just trying harder doesn’t help. Sometimes we need to be willing to slow down.Whether it’s time off, free space in your calendar, going for a walk or just leaving the project alone for a bit, by “unrushing” we give innovation time to settle in and new ideas to take shape.
  4. Keep learning.  In my busy professional life, I intended to make room for reading, learning, classes or training. I snuck a few opportunities in, but my jam-packed schedule made learning feel self-indulgent and wasteful. I’m reminded how beneficial a few hours a week to read, take an online course or listen to a webinar can be to provide fresh perspective on your work. It’s not selfish, it’s actually very smart and a great way to remain even more effective in your work.

This time of rest and reflection has shown me how I can be a better employee and marketing leader. You don’t have to have weeks off, but maybe over the holidays, you can “unrush” a little and take some time to refresh your mind, spirit and body! Happy Holidays. Cheers to a fabulous and successful 2017!



20160713_190659-1Today I knew it would be the last time I got to see my dad on this earth. I just knew it. I got there literally two minutes too late.

The sweet nursing staff were holding him and saying their goodbye when I got there. He looked so frail, so different, like nothing he is in my minds eye. I had planned to sing to him today.  The only song he ever heard me sing…. unforgettable. Cause he is that to me and he made me feel that way to him.

I can picture him talking like Donald Duck and me laughing every single time, like it was the first. Or blowing smoke rings…that was so cool to stick my little finger through it. Or teaching us to fly fish…or pheasant hunt. Yay we never got a thing, but I remember the attempts and how patient he was with the two youngest noise makers ruining his quiet and scaring away his game. He never said a word about it.

As a dad he gave everything he could. Not perfect. But who is? He proudly served our country for 23 years, through two awful wars, left his family over and over again for all of us. Worked hard his whole life. Mom did her best at home with 8, then 7, then 6. Now almost sixty years later, she sits in confusion and heart ache again. My heart hurts for her.

Loss is not easy. Ever. But dad I’m glad you’re in peace and hanging with Jeff and Susan tonight. I hope you’re singing a good song. I miss you. 

…that’s why darling, it’s incredible that someone so unforgettable thinks that I am unforgettable too…




Busyness & Connection Can Not Coexist.

IMG_6672 (3)What is it about being busy that is acceptable…almost glorified?  You can’t take time to read a great new article at work, you should do that on your “own time”. At home the list of chores and things to do are endless enough to busy me until I drop. But I’m tired, so tired.

And when I examine that tiredness, I realize somewhere along the line, I adopted a definition of worth based on busyness. If I am busy and productive, then I am something. Really something.

Digging a little deeper, I realize the shame in being perceived as lazy, slow, unproductive. It’s my blind belief in shame that keeps me from sitting, enjoying, reading, writing, just being with those who mean the most to me. Instead, I fuss, fix, clean and drive separation from the very thing my heart longs for….connection.

When I’m honest, it’s true connection that means the most to me. It’s the thing that memories are made of. It’s where I’m fully alive, have impact, create my best work, it’s where I can change the world. That kind of connection takes courage and vulnerability. That kind of connection can not coexist with busyness.

So in a commitment to myself and to those around me who mean so much, I intend to do whole lot more of enjoying the moment.


Green Corduroy and Jumping Castles

I’m turning fifty. FIF-TEE. FITTY. 5-O.

Of course there should be a big party. My twin and I have not had a party together since we were 12. Oh I remember, an all green outfit and the matching gold Schwinn bicycles. Yep, grass green corduroy pants and a matching grass green t-shirt with a white piping on the collar – like nothing that has ever been stylish – then or now.

And the bikes – full size adult bikes so we could grow in to them, were metallic gold in color. My twin and I have literal scars to show for our mastery of those bikes that were the wheels to our freedom around the mobile home park my parents owned at the time. My brother’s had the cool bar that went straight across to indicate it was a “boy’s” bike. Mine, no bar, it was a “girl’s” bike. The seats were so tall we have to use the tips of our shoes to pedal, to balance, to start.

My twin was a pretty scrawny 12 so I can picture it clear as a photograph. The pedals set exactly so with the right one in the up position. His right leg thrown over the bar to his knee and then bouncing on the tip toe of his left foot as he tried to get momentum, he would shift his weight over and put his foot on the right pedal long enough to be standing on the pedals to ride. That’s the thing, he had to stand to ride that bike for a while. That boy’s bike nearly ruined his budding man-ness a few times, but boy did we do a lot of mileage on those two gold bikes.

Fast forward many years…we’re turning fitty. The old dude refused to do a jumping castle birthday with me. I guess he’s too afraid to get hurt…go figure.

So, bocce it is. Reserved for the ancient and ailing, but surrounded by those we love, beer and great food. Happy 50th Birthday ol boy! You know I love you like a twin!